


Not Alone

by Akiko_Natsuko



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Acceptance, Character Death, Death, F/M, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Recovery, Serious Injuries, Souls, Support, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-08-17 06:24:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16511033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Akiko_Natsuko
Summary: There were only three stones when there should have been four. Left behind Bickslow has to try and find a way forward on his own.





	Not Alone

_They were gone._

    It was the irrevocable truth that Bickslow had woken to. Stirring in the makeshift infirmary, feeling as though he had been sleeping for weeks when in fact it had only been days, but what had scared him the most had been that he was on his own. He had never been on his own, not since he joined Fairy Tail, and not since the day Freed and the others had held out their hands to him, offering him friendship with no fear whatsoever, even after they’d learned the true nature of his magic. He had known as he struggled to coax his eyes open that something was wrong, that feeling morphing into a deep, burning certainty the moment, his eyes had opened to find an empty room. Yet, he had never imagined this, or at least never outside of nightmares because this - this loss was never something he was meant to experience, and his mind immediately rejected the creeping sensation of dread that tried to cloud his thoughts.

_Where are they?_

   It had been Mira and Lisanna, their eyes red-rimmed as though they had been crying for a long time who had found him trying to stumble from the bed. It had been pitifully easy for them to stop his efforts, their hands gentle as they eased him down – and the gentleness scared him, as did the grief he could see in their eyes, because it spoke of something he wasn’t ready to acknowledge yet.

    They were gentle was they broke the news to him, sitting beside him and holding his hands, as gentle as before, as though he was glass that might shatter if they moved wrong. It hadn’t helped. It hadn’t softened the blow as with wavering voices and faltering words, they’d told him that he was alone now. Their voices breaking, tears gathering in their eyes as they whispered that Laxus and the others - that the Raijinshuu, his family were gone. He hadn’t believed them, shaking his head and wrenching his hands out of theirs so that he could clamp them over his ears, blocking out their frantic words as they tried to get through to him.

He couldn’t believe them, he couldn’t let the words in.

    Because some part of him knew that as soon as he did, it would mean admitting that he had lost them, that he hadn’t been able to protect them, that he was alone, and he couldn’t face that. Not yet, and possibly never and yet deep down he already knew, the truth settling like a cold weight in the pit of his stomach. He’d known from the moment he had woken alone, without Evergreen crashed out at his side or Laxus sprawled in a chair that wasn’t built to hold a man his size, or Freed leaning against the far wall, watching over them all regardless of his own injuries or exhaustion. However, whilst he tried to push that truth away, he couldn’t hide from it completely and whilst his memories of the battle were hazy at best, he didn’t need them to know why he was the only one left.

_They protected me…_

**

  He was still numb a week later as he stood in front of their graves, but he could no longer hide from the truth written in cold stone, the words on their graves too little to describe his loss – to give voice to the grief that churned in his chest.  Lisanna was stood beside him, and it was only her support keeping him upright as he swayed, injuries still taking a toll of him, although they paled in comparison to the weight of his loss. There were tears on his cheeks as he stared blankly at the stones, torn between a desire to tear them down and destroy the evidence of what had been taken from him, and collapsing under the thought that there were only three stones when there should have been four.

 _I should be lying here too_ …

   He should’ve been. The wounds he’d sustained had come within a hairs length of sending him to join them, and somehow the knowledge that they should’ve killed him was worse than the fact that they hadn’t. Porlyusica was still visiting him daily, and she’d warned him that he might never be able to fight as he once had, not that it mattered. He had no intention of fighting again. He hadn’t been strong enough to protect those dearest to him when it had mattered most, there was no way he would ever put himself in a position where others depended on him again. _I don’t have the right_ …There were voices in the back of his mind, ones that fanned the ache in his chest that argued against that thought, but he ruthlessly buried them beneath a broken sob.

“I’m sorry…” He whispered to the stones, and to the ghosts in his mind, closing his eyes as his legs collapsed beneath him as another sob wracked him. Lisanna tried to brace him, but he was a limp weight, bowed by grief and he dragged them both down to the ground as he finally began to sob in earnest.

He had looked for them.

     In the first few days he had looked for them, searching desperately for evidence to disprove what everyone was saying to him, refusing to acknowledge the grief – the pity – in the eyes that had followed his every move. When that had failed, the truth creeping through his defences, he had looked for their souls. It wouldn’t have been much of an existence, but he had hoped… No, he had needed to find them, to be able to hold them here with him just a little longer. It was a selfish desire, even he’d known that, but he the thought of being on his own terrified him. And he was alone, even with the rest of the guild rallied around him and sharing his grief, and even with Lisanna her arms now wrapped tightly around him. But it had been too late – he had been too late, and whatever had remained of them had slipped away whilst he was still unconscious, and now sitting in front of their graves, the double loss hit him once more, tearing him apart.

I lost them…

****

  He couldn’t stop himself from looking for their souls, even months later when he knew it was far too late. He’d never made another doll since he’d lost them, and he’d sworn that he never would until he found the others – until he found a way to bring them back. He never left Magnolia now, working in Yajima’s café even though it dragged up painful memories - Ever flirting with the customers and turning bright red whenever Elfman visited, Freed’s face contorted with concentration as he cooked, and Laxus wandering in hours after going to get supplies, having got lost again. Those had been good times, filled with laughter even when they’d been chafing at the bit to go out on a real job, and it hurt to be reminded of that, but he couldn’t do anything else.

    His magic was weakened both by his loss and his injuries, his body still slowly healing although it appeared that he would never be rid of the slight limp he had ended up with. Not that it mattered, because he couldn’t - wouldn’t fight, and there was no left to protect. And so, he worked in the cafe, barely aware of what he was doing from day to day, eyes constantly searching for any hint of their souls and haunted by the growing realisation that he wasn’t going to find them, no matter how long he searched for them.

_I’ve lost them…_

  The guild was torture of a different sort. Even though it was a new building, the memories of the times he had spent there with Freed and the others were always close to the surface. It hurt to breathe when he was there and more than once he’d been forced to flee under the weight of it, tears on his cheeks as the memories became too much. Yet he couldn’t forsake it completely, because it was all he had left, the only thing that helped ease the loneliness that had crawled inside that day in the infirmary. However, no matter how he tried and how the guild tried to gather around him, the loneliness never vanished completely, because everywhere he looked he saw friends, family who were still together. Scarred by the war, but still whole in the way that really mattered, and it hurt to see them, although he would never wish this pain on them.

_I lost them…_

  Most people avoided him or spoke to him sparingly, not knowing what to say, and that was fine because he had no words for them either. The only words he had left to say where said at the Cathedral, to the three stones that should have been four, drawn from a seemingly never-ending well of whispered apologies and pleas. However, there were two exceptions to that rule - Mira and Lisanna refused to leave him be, no matter how he tried to ignore them, or how often his weak hold over his emotions snapped making him snarl unnecessarily harsh words at them. He had lost track of how many times he’d done, and every time that it happened he hated himself a little bit more. What made it worse was that he didn’t want them to heed his words, fearing that one day they would pull away too, and he would truly be alone. Yet, it seemed that no matter how bad he got, they rolled with it, giving him space but always there when he reached out again, pained understanding in their eyes as he muttered awkward apologies. He knew that the harsh words weren’t forgotten, but they were forgiven…excused…but that in its own way was unbearable, because he didn’t want to be forgiven, he didn’t deserve to be.

_I lost them…_

**

   For someone whose magic resided in his eyes, it took him a long time to see the truth. The long days, and longer months that had followed his loss eventually turning into years, as life slowly settled into a new kind of normal around him. Although the loneliness, and the pain that came with it never truly disappeared. However, did eventually begin to fade, and the day that he realised that it had become nothing more than a dull ache that he doubted would ever disappear, he found himself standing there with Lisanna in front of him, her smile soft and loving as he slipped the ring onto her finger with trembling hands.

   Their kiss had been gentle, a reflection of their relationship which was a love born of grief, that had slowly developed as she broke through his walls. And when he pulled back, still holding her hand, there was a weak echo of his old grin on his face.

_I’m not alone anymore…_

  It had been Lisanna who had spotted them first, her soft gasp drawing his attention just as they were about to go back down the aisle and he immediately turned towards her, weakened magic stirring with a new urge to protect. However, she hadn’t been looking at him and he’d followed her stunned gaze towards the altar and for a moment he felt like he couldn’t breathe, a weight that wasn’t grief settling over his chest. Stood behind them and watching them both with warm smiles on their faces were his lost ones looking just as they had the last time he had seen them alive, and their souls were blinding for a moment as they met his gaze and held it for a long moment. It was a blessing, and a farewell, and something finally eased in his chest as they lingered for another moment before fading away.

_I was never alone…_


End file.
